


Plagiarism

by starryeyedknight



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Gen, Humor, klaus is a plagiarist and luther is oblivious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-21 05:55:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30017169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryeyedknight/pseuds/starryeyedknight
Summary: “…And in other news, our reporter brings us an exclusive insight into the shadowy world of the latest religious commune to sweep America, led by a reclusive mystic whose edicts to his followers includes appeals to ‘spice up your life’ and ‘search for the hero inside yourself’…”In hindsight, Luther should have seen the signs that Klaus made it to Dallas.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 38





	Plagiarism

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Originally written for the tuactober 2020 challenge.

It’s probably Luther’s fault for not listening to pop music more often.

It’s not as if he was particularly encouraged in this pursuit by a reclusive, potentially agoraphobic father for whom ‘self-expression’ was another word for ‘lunacy’. Also, he has to admit, 'pop' isn’t exactly something that meshes with his personality. He enjoys eighties classic rock and the occasional soundtrack from Disney films, but that’s it. So it's not as if he's well-placed to spot the warning signs.

So it starts about six months ago, washing glasses at the Carousel Club and listening to this girl spout off about some religious leader supposedly doing great things over in San Francisco. A real oddball from the sound of it; but Jack likes happy drinkers to stay happy, so what can he do?

“…found me after the break-up and just _spoke_ to me!”

“He sounds like quite the fella.”

“You wouldn’t believe it,” the girl says earnestly. “It was as if he spoke into my soul! I’ll never forget it – he took my hand, looked deep into my eyes and asked if I believed in life after love. That he felt something inside him saying that he really didn’t think I was strong enough – and he was right! I couldn’t get through the pain on my own; I joined Destiny’s Children the next day!”

“It must be a great group,” Luther says absent-mindedly, dialling for a cab.

-

“I’m sorry, boss,” the man says, kneeling on the floor of the cellar in one of Jack’s less salubrious clubs. Luther can’t help but feel sorry for him. He’s a low-level thug for Jack, and until now one of his finest enforcers, but it seems the guy’s caught religion – and in a bad way. “I don’t have nothing against you, but this new wisdom’s just opened my eyes – really made me see my way clear. I know I gotta yield to the flow of the universe and embrace its love come what may, y’know?”

Jack huffs. “Sounds like a load of guff to me. You’re being taken in for a patsy by someone who’s never done a day’s work in his life.”

“No, really! This man opened my eyes to the truth: that we’re all in the same boat, just trying to make our way in this crazy world. He says we’re all strangers waiting up and down the boulevard, shadows searching in the night - streetlight people, living just to find emotion, hiding somewhere in the night! Ain’t that poetic?”

“Not particularly,” Jack says, stepping back to let his goons deliver the message in a much more emphatic manner. “But then I never was what you’d call poetical.”

-

“… _And in other news…”_ the radio crackles into life, spluttering and wheezing like an old man, “ _our reporter brings us an exclusive insight into the shadowy world of the latest religious commune to sweep America, led by a reclusive mystic whose edicts to his followers includes appeals to ‘spice up your life’ and ‘search for the hero inside yourself’…_ ”

“New Age hooey,” Luther grumbles, turning off the radio.

-

“No, see,” Luther says, bending over a map and attempting to tell this busload of tourists how to get out to the outskirts of Dallas. Apparently they’re trying to find some big fancy mansion up beyond the suburbs. “You take a left _here_ , keep going along this main track until you get to the outlying farms, and then…”

The man who asked for directions beams at him. It’s rather unsettling. “Thank you for this,” he says, “truly. You’ve no idea the importance of our trip – how vital it is we find our teacher again.”

“You sure this guy wants you to find him?” Luther asks. “You said he took off in a hurry.”

“The prophet would never abandon us,” a young bespectacled woman says earnestly. “It’s one of his edicts. The first day I joined the group, he told me that he’s never going to give us up…never going to let us down, and _never_ run around and hurt us…”

“Sounds nice,” Luther says, wrinkling up his nose.

He’s sure he’s heard those words before. Was that in a breakfast commercial?

-

“Go see,” Allison urged. “It’s like nothing you’ve ever imagined.”

So the morning after Five brings them all together Luther hitches a lift with a truck driver, heading out beyond the centre of Dallas until the suburbs thin down and the fields start to spread, and Luther is left gaping in perplexed amazement at the sheer _size_ of the estate before him. Not house, _estate._ With gardens and a pool and…is that an orchard? Jesus, how did Klaus afford this?

Thanking the driver, he makes his wary approach up the drive and towards the house. All around him people with blue robes and blissed-out expressions are milling around, stopping so often to wave at him rather airily and…Oh God. It’s Map Man.

“Brother!” the bald man exclaims, grasping hold of Luther somewhat enthusiastically. “I felt certain our paths would cross again. Have you come to experience the prophet’s wisdom?”

Luther has had plenty of experience with the prophet’s wisdom, starting with ‘hey, you know what happens if you mix vodka with angel dust?’ and working up from there. “Uh, no; not exactly. I just came to see him…outside his professional capacity, so to speak.”

“Suit yourself. But truly, you should listen to him. He’s a great, great man; he truly helped me understand – well, what it’s all _about_ , you feel me?”

“Yeah?”

“Oh yes! The great shifting balance of the universe, each one of us intertwined and yet not so! As Klaus says: some of us fall by the wayside,” he says sincerely, “and some of us soar to the stars.”

Luther freezes.

“He told us, from the day we arrive on the planet,” the man says, to Luther’s dawning horror, “blinking, stepping into the sun. There’s more to be seen than can ever be seen; more to do than can ever be done…”

“Let me guess,” Luther says. “He called it the circle of life.”

“That’s right!” The guy chirps. “Have you met him before?”

-

“You are a terrible, terrible person,” Luther tells Klaus **.** “And a plagiarist of epic proportions.”

“I’ve been telling him that for years,” Ben drawls. Klaus kicks him.


End file.
